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I am a 26 year old Sagittarius Christian/Other with a very strange look at the world, yes I am that person that makes you tilt your head and think "what the??"
I am writing for this magazine, because I tire of hearing how every religion thinks its the right one. I think we can all just come together and realize that each one has something unique and good to bring to the table.
I am currently living in Iowa and running 3 online businesses. I am working on a business degree among many other things.
In my free time I enjoy reading, web design, learning, gaming, crafts such as candle making, music, and I love art!
Today is Sunday March 02, 2008 @ 9:47am central time.
I am continually fascinated with the human mind and how it works. Like how certain things can vividly still be implanted in my mind that are from many years past, and how things from last week I barely remember.
I remember the first steps that my younger sister Ashley took. She walked back and forth between my sister Cheryl and I until she could strike out on her own. We were all so proud of her. I wanted to take her everywhere with me after that. I was always very attached to her. I helped teach her many things; including riding a bike, learning to swim, and reading.
For whatever reason we had a connection like no one else and I understood her to a point where I knew what she needed to be able to learn the things that came naturally for other people. Many people were very short with her and got annoyed easily. To me she has always been this awesome girl that fought so hard. She is so courageous, and can do anything if she sets her mind to it, and when she does look out, because no one will get in her way.
Now that her and I are so far apart I often feel so alone, because for the longest time we were practically inseperable. I charish any time that we do get together. She is now this grown woman getting ready to strike out on her own. It seems like yesterday I was still holding the back of her bicycle seat and holding her up in the water, and teaching her the sounds of the letters, as well as 2x2 and the little tricks to memorize! I can vividly remember all these things like they were yesterday, but I don't remember the day she became this awesome independent lady. ~ April 24, 2007 ~
Today I sit here wondering why in the world anyone would choose to live in such a state. It is nearly May, and I am wearing full-out winter clothing and still shivering, I am afraid if I don't move around enough my butt cheeks my freeze together.
Then I look out the window in front of me and see all the fresh air and the rain drops coming down while the ducks waddle around and splash in the puddles, it is beautiful.
Animals have such innocence to them. The horse across the street in the pasture rolls around on the ground on its back with its legs in the air like a dog would. Every time I see that I start to giggle.
My cat I have to say is one of the funniest creatures you will ever find. She makes this quacking sound when she sees a fly and tries her hardest to jump up and whack it with her paw. Then there are birds outside that we often feed so they keep coming back. She sits in the window sill and waits and watches they fly up almost taunting her, and she jumps up trying to get them and her head hits the window and usually she falls out of the window. She never learns either, because she repeats that several times a day until she sees something else that she wants to conquer then its trot trot trot down the hall... ~ April 25, 2007 ~
I admit there are days when I miss singlehood and I think about how I could just do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it. However usually mid-thought something happens that reminds me why I hope that we are never apart.
There is nothing like waking up next to the person you love and breathing them in because that cologne, perfume, body wash, or whatever just smells so good it makes your temperature rise. There is also nothing better than seeing why you know there is a god... that person's sexy flesh, because they are running around the house half naked. All I can say is mmm mmm good!!!
I will never forget when JP was getting a little nervous because I hadn't been able to OOOH and AAWWW over him in a while. He decided to take a picture with his cell phone of himself right out of the shower. I opened the e-mail and nearly choked to death on my water because I was in class and so not expecting it. It was HOT!!!
I do have to say it is the little things that make me want a moment to never end, like looking into their beautiful eyes, getting that morning hugs, kisses, and "I love you's", or the very awesome cuddles on the sofa. Not to mention the dorky things like teasing one another, sharing an ice cream, and doing anything we can to see the other person smile and hear the cute giggle.
In case there was any doubt... I LOVE YOU with ALL MY HEART and SOUL, BABY!!! ~ April 26, 2007 ~
Where are you now?
Do you remember me?
Are you in pain?
Do you still know the memories we shared?
How did this happen?
Did you leave too soon?
Everything seemed so sudden for me. One day you were here checking on me and fixing my car. Then I called to see how you both were doing and you had a stomach ache. I insisted you go see the doctor.
Looking back I might not have if I would have known it would be our last phone conversation together.
Day after day in the hospital you faded more and more. I wished and prayed you would walk out and be back to normal. I could not say good-bye because I didn't want you to go.
The phone startled me at 4 AM. Finally at 7 AM what they had said hit me.
I waited the whole day watching out the window, hoping you would pull in my driveway on one of your weekly visits. Holding the phone in my hand, waiting for your voice to say, "Hello beautiful, how are you today?" You still have not come. I now try to keep my curtains closed, mainly so i won't obsess.
Even now weeks later I can't think of you without crying hysterically. I drove from my home to Altoona Wal-Mart which takes me past the cemetery where you are buried and the apartment where you lived. I could not breathe or function for nearly an hour I sat in the car in the parking lot. I just don't understand why you? Why now?
My car broke down the other day and I first thought of you, until the split moment came and I realized youweren't there anymore. I was very grateful for who did come.
I will forever cherish your memory and always miss and love you. ~ April 27, 2007 ~
What exactly does a person have to do to be a respected memeber of a family? What I mean by that is to not be an outcast, the person no one wants to talk to or be around, and for people not to roll their eyes at your very existence.
It really hurts me sometimes when I am out here just kind of forgotten, especially whe I can at least e-mail people usually several times a week!!! I usually hear about things once they are already over.
Everything really starts to bother me particularly when I do nearly everthing to seek their approval. They didn’t like my piercings so I took them out. They didn’t like some of the things I did like going to bars so I stopped going.
I have taken my younger sister to the mall on a small shopping spree and catered to her every need during the month of her birthday becasue she was also getting married. I found out she took the stuff back and bought something silly. On top of that she was a totally rude snot.
GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~ April 28, 2007
"There I sit all broken hearted, come to poop but only farted!"
That quote describes my existence as a human being. I set out to get something done, and end up screwing it up, pissing people off, and disappointing everyone.
I remember one of the first times I let down my father. I was in the 3rd grade. I had been studying for this math test for a long time. I took it, and thought I had done ok, until the next day when the teacher handed them back and while doing so mentioned only one person got an A, when the name was announced and it wasn't me my heart sank into my stomach.
I turned my paper over and there was my first C. We had inside recreation that day in the gym and all I could do was to sit in the bleachers and cry. I was terrified to go home and tell him what my grade was.
I calmed down until it was time to go home, then I really freaked out. I came in and told him at which time he gave me one of the longest, loudest, and most angry lectures of my life. "A's and B's are up here!!! C's, D's, and F's are down there!!!" he said as he pointed at the floor. I was grounded.
From then on it has been screw up after screw up. I dated the "wrong people," by the wrong people I mean not white (yes my father is like that), I lived in crappy apartments, had weirdo friends, like tattoos, and I'm a fat ass!
It's very annoying, everyone in my family has a kid that they idolize and is their favorite. They make it very blatantly obvious, when at the same time they say, "No, we love you all equally!"
My grandfather was on his deathbed (he died later that night) and two of my relatives while I'm sitting their crying, saw this as an opportunity to tell me how fat I am and that I need to get out and walk more. Keep in mind, I myself have been in and out of the hospital because of a medical condition (which has nothing to do with being fat) since August.
When I first started getting sick I was a lot smaller (6 or more sizes) than I am now. If any of those people would have asked what's going on with me rather than running their mouths I could have told and shown them, my body is retaining a bunch of fluid because of my medical condition. On top of that I am under strict orders from my pain in the rear doctors to not lift, bend, twist, or be on my feet alot. The procedures for my condition are not only expensive, but time consuming and the most painful thing ever.
Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm faking. I don't know, but it's just hurtful. At the same time though, trust me, I would not fake this. It hurts, I look like hell, and there isn't a day that goes by that I wish it would either go away or I would just not wake up.
~April 30, 2007 ~
He comes to me every night
Reassures me he will always
Be there when I need a friend
He always gives me a hug
Keeps me warm and
Holds my hand
He protects me when I needed protected
He always makes me smile
JP is always jealous of him
He flicks JP on the nose
Tells him to chill
I scoot close to JP to cuddle in
He still keeps close and a tight hold
On me. I feel very comfortable
And safe. What can this mean?
What lies ahead?
What is he protecting me from?
~May 17, 2007~
Pssst....
Yeah me down here...
I know I was supposed to write something here everyday. Obviously that did not happen. My life is too hectic to get online everyday. Since I have been on here things have been wild. Ashley graduated, a friend passed away, we took in kittens that were only 4 weeks old at the time and had to hand feed them, one died tragically, and many other annoying things have happened.
Ashley's party was pretty much a good time. Steven did not have very much fun, he had some troubles the night before that were still bothering him. Not a whole lot of people showed up, however the people who did show up had a great time. I was not feeling well so I had to run back and forth to the girls room trying not to get sick out on the dance floor. Little Joey ended up getting sick right there next to me and several other times after that. We decided to let RayMond and Christian start hanging out, it went ok I suppose they faught as most boys do, but for the most part had a good time.
We named the cats Isis who is turtle shell calico, Maya who is grey and black tiger striped, Bear who is all black, and Haydes who looked a lot like Athena. RIP Haydes you were a sweet kitty. They all have very different personalities its funny to watch. Bear is very dependent on his sisters and the two females are very independent and want to be alpha even try to take over the older cat Athena.. Maya is very cuddly all the time she is sitting on my shoulder purring right now. She likes to be held and loved and petted constantly she tends to be spoiled she is very picky. We had to make her a special diet because she is not so fond of meat. Weaning them from the bottle was my personal hell OMG they whined and whined and would practically refuse everything until we would give in. Finally we started waiting till right before bed to give them milk and they got less and less and less. Now they are on cat food and water and if they are picky or looking too thin they will get some yogurt tuna suprise made by the great chef.... ME!
Thank you for listening.. Will give you more updates later.
~June 18, 2007
The days just keep coming and going, each one the same as the last. I wonder when this endless cycle will change for me. I can not handle much more of it. One thing changed I guess after hounding and hounding finally some peace and quiet around here. I so tire of the endless yelling and fighting and whining. I have never met in my life anyone over the age of 2 that acts like such a big f@#$ing baby. Now I am around 5 of them, and sadly one of them is over 50. The next biggest baby is 14 and litterally cries when he does not get his way about something. It is the most retarded thing I have ever seen. What is worse is he is the oldest so the other 3 younger follow suite and cry and throw baby fits as well. The 11 year old cries about litterally everything even having to take a shower. The seven year old throws himself down and pouts and does baby talk. The 5 year old does baby talk and hurts everyone in sight then pees on everything and poops himself when he is mad. Did I mention scream at the top of his lungs for two hours straight. Yes this child has gotten us kicked out of a hotel before. Even worse than that the other adults get mad if we just try to ignore them, but when we punish them we are assh@#$%. Then they go and baby them. So in the end they learn nothing.
~March 3, 2008~
lakeside love
Along side the lake we lay
Bodies entangled
the only warmth coming from his skin
"people coming"
"no worries babe, we only look to be cuddling"
his growing warmth inside me
sweat falls from his brow
"shhh.. you must not get loud"
our eyes meet
I can see into his soul
his lips kiss from my eyes to my thighs
A brisk cold air moves in
excited screams fill the air
he collapse beside me
holding so tight
staring in my eyes
kissing and touching
sweet whispers
(Beep Beep Beep)
the alarm interrupts our love
we stare harder at one another
I take a deep breath
"I need to go"
"not yet"
adjustments were made
he remains kissing and cuddling
"I must go"
we stand and hold each other
he holds me tight not letting me go
I grab his hands trying to pull them from behind me
sadness overwhelms, a tear down the cheek
"soon, "
"I love you babe"
" love you two"
tears flowing we drive away
~March 09, 2008~
The Crazy House
Sitting here in the dark, trying to figure out why things happen the way they do. I have been ill for quite a long time. A problem with my kidneys causes my body(and severly in feet legs and well everything below waist) to swell with fluid. My doctor was giving me treatments about every week to take the fluid off, but it got to the point where it wasn’t working anymore. I would just get done, go to put my feet on the floor and they would swell right back up again. So I had been trying to find other ways to help it. We tried wraps, eating a no salt what so ever diet (which was nasty, no one wants to eat oatmeal that much), keeping my feet up as much as possible, and other things that are too humiliating to mention. Nothing really seemed to work. I just kind of gave up and just started living life and just doing things to do them. A couple weeks ago I started to notice that I am not as swollen and I can see all the bones in my feet again. The fluid is all coming out, the only bad part is when fluid comes out of your body, one you sweat quite a bit, and two you have to urinate a lot more than normal. Now my clothes are fitting nicer again. Its nice to have that happen.
Well I was at the gas station went in to pay for gas and get some beverages, I walk out not thinking anything of the fact that it just seemed to feel quite a bit colder than when I walked in. I sit the drinks in the car, and realize that the entire world can see my bright pink panties. I didnt realize that my pants had gotten that baggie. Sadly enough this happened to me two more times in the same week. So now I have a pants check, a double check, and if there is someone in the car with me you better believe there is an obsessive third party check. I am not one of those girls who likes to show their butt cleavage.
Speaking of those kinds of girls…
I have friends, well not sure if I would even call them friends, they were my friends in high school, and I have hardly hung out with them since then. They are on my last nerve! Constantly whining, litterally crying, bitching, and wanting everyone to kick this guys ass for even looking at another girl, but then they can go and make dates with random dudes, and have sex with the people, and everyone is supposed to look the other way and pretend it never happened. I am tired of pretending, I don’t like stupid games. If you want someone who can’t see your actions no offense to people here but become friends with a blind person.
I guess I just do not know what to do here. I am just sick of seeing people hurt other people, especially when it looks like they are doing it intentionally. I swear some people are their happiest when they have some one miserable and crying and hurting. I am a firm believer in that whole treat someone how you would want to be treated.
On the lighter side of news…
I think my cat Athena is pregnant. She is all big in the mid-section, and now waddles instead of walking. I am sure I looked crazy, but I sat outside and had a long talk with my cats about the need to stay away from boy cats until they are ready to commit. I mean which cat is the father here.. Should we be asking for kitty support??? lol.. Not to mention now the younger cat Maya thinks that she needs to go and run around, so I chase her rear end right back up where she belongs. For real though I sat outside and petted my little babies and did talk with them I think animals like to be talked to. I do think it would be funny to take the pregnant cat to the neighbors and ask for kitty support. I wonder how long it would be before they called the crazy house on me?? LOL!!!
~ by sherriesjournalthoughtsofacomplexmind on March 16, 2008.
I have started my studies. I am doing my totem studies, it is harder work than I ever thought it would be. I have also been doing a lot of networking. It has been a hard time for everyone on here. We have lost people that are very close to us. We have people in the hospital, I myself have been ill and was in the hospital. I am trying to get back to what where we were before. I have been doing a lot of networking.
I have started my studies. I am doing my totem studies, it is harder work than I ever thought it would be. I have also been doing a lot of networking. It has been a hard time for everyone on here. We have lost people that are very close to us. We have people in the hospital, I myself have been ill and was in the hospital. I am trying to get back to what where we were before. I have been doing a lot of networking.
